True Story

December 14, 2014

      It was late Thursday night, or early Friday morning. The first time I left, my boyfriend Nakai walked me home just like always. He came with me the hundred or less yards between his apartment and mine to make sure I got home safe. I hate walking in the dark by myself, so I appreciate that he always does it. Soon after getting home, I realized that I had left my phone at his apartment. I knew he had work in the morning, so I wasn't likely to be able to retrieve it until later the next afternoon, so I decided to run back to get it. For a split second before walking out the door, my hand hovered over my pepper spray and my roommate considered trying to convince me to wait until tomorrow. But both of us must have rationalized that his apartment wasn't that far away, and that I would be fine.

     I literally ran over to his building, because the weight of the 2 AM darkness was pressing around me and sending every fiber of my being into a cross between panic and full alertness. When I got over to his apartment, his roommate let me in. Nakai (an amputee), had already taken off his prosthetic leg and looked nearly asleep, so after finding my phone under his couch, I decided I would be fine this one time if he didn't walk me home. I left his building and began running back to mine.

     There are two buildings between the one Nakai lives in and the one I live in. I was almost to the first of these two when I heard footsteps pounding behind me. I ran faster, but whoever the footsteps belonged to caught up and tackled me to the ground from behind. A voice in my head kept saying, "Get up get up get up get up. That's the most important thing. Get up!" I managed to scramble up from the ground and face the man who had attacked me. I stood frozen for a moment, for some reason unable to react, until the same voice in my head said to me, "Slap him!" So I did. I hit him as hard as I could across the face. The whole time, completely on autopilot, I yelled, "Get away from me! Let me go! What's wrong with you!" over and over and over. After I slapped him, he looked at me and said, "You bitch."

     That look he gave me has been haunting me for days. It comes back to me in the vivid flashbacks that sending me into a shaking, sobbing mess on the floor. It was not a look of hatred or pain or anger. That look was one of pure entitlement. He looked at me with eyes that said, "How dare you slap me? You are nothing. You are not human. I have every right to do whatever I want to you, because you are not a person."

     After I slapped him, I turned to run to the nearest building, but found that the door was locked. I pounded on it and kept screaming at him to leave me alone, and he came and grabbed me around my arms and chest from behind. The voice returned, telling me, "Elbow him. Now grab him." I did as the voice instructed, driving my elbow into his stomach, and reaching down to grab, pull, and twist his nuts. At that moment, I began to have the sinking feeling that if I didn't get away soon, it was over for me. My screams at him turned into loud pleas for help, and he suddenly let me go and ran away.

     I took off like the devil was after me, dry sobs wracking my body as I ran, terrified that he would change his mind and come after me again. I made it to my apartment and attempted to punch in the code to unlock the door, but was too shaken. I pounded on the door until my roommate let me in, and collapsed into her arms. She called a friend of ours to come over and give me a blessing as I called 911. Our friend, who only lives down the hall, arrived about a minute before an officer came over to get a description form me.

     I'm shaken up, covered in scrapes and a few bruises, but otherwise alright. I've been having vivid flashbacks that make me think of what could have happened, and that make me stop functioning for a few minutes as I sob into Nakai's arms. He has been constantly with me, making me feel safe again. I hate to be alone, and for some reason crowds make me just as uneasy. Everyday I feel a little better. When I talk to people about my experience, I feel strong and proud of myself. All alone, I think about how it could have ended, and afraid of it happening again.

     Despite being a terrifying and traumatic experience, I feel so so blessed. That voice in my head during the attack was most definitely the Holy Ghost guiding me and reminding me of the things that I learned in my self defense class last semester. As scary as what happened to me was, it could have been so much worse, and I thank my Heavenly Father every day that it wasn't. I have been surrounded my the love of my family, my friends, my roommates, my ward, and my boyfriend, Nakai. They have all helped me to feel safe again, and also to feel more like myself. There are bad people in the world, but there are also so many good people too.