120 days ago I submitted my mission papers. I was nervous and excited about getting a call and serving a mission for 18 months. I hoped I would get sent someplace warm and that I would get to speak Spanish. Of course, life happens and plans don't always go the way you hoped they would.
The significance of today is that it was my availability date. On my mission papers, I said that I would be available for missionary service on June 25, 2014. I felt so good about that particular date that I was convinced I would be entering the MTC today. When I put that date down, it seemed so far away, but here it is.
I know that what has happened to keep me home a little longer has been a blessing. Being here still was absolutely not my plan at all, but clearly it was God's plan. He has blessed me by showing me why His plan is better. I'm grateful for this particular trial, because I can see how it is helping me grow. I will be a better person and a better missionary because of these 6 months that I have to wait and because of the reason why.
Still. Getting to today is a little surreal. What could have been one of the biggest days of my life is just an ordinary day.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
A Billion Pieces of Life
Growing up just isn't what its cracked up to be. And life has a way of doing things that are not what you expected or planned on at all. I always thought that my life would follow a pretty straightforward pattern. Graduate high school. Start college. Go on a mission. Finish college. Get married at some point in this process. Get a job. Have kids. Get old. I also figured that by the time I was old enough to be in college, I would know what it was that I wanted in life.
Ha. Right.
Obviously my mission plans have been turned on their head. I'm still going to college, because I know an education is what will get me places in life, but I don't know what to study. At all.
I'm not ready to get married yet, but the whole relationship thing is WAY more complicated than I thought it would be. And so much more incredibly painful. My heart has been so broken that putting it back together would be like doing a jigsaw puzzle. With no corner or edge pieces. And some that are warped by water damage. And some that have been chewed on by a dog. And some that aren't even there anymore, because they got left behind in someone else's puzzle box, because I thought that maybe that's where they belonged.
Its not just my life, either. I look around and my friends and peers, and we're all in a million different places. Some are going to school. Some are getting married. Some are working. Some have a baby. Some are on missions. Some live at home mooching off their parents and doing nothing. Some are traveling the world.
Within all these experiences are another billion pieces of our lives. The very wide emotional range that comes from interacting with other humans. How or if religion fits in your life. Physical ailments that you or those close to you have, ranging from cancer to seasonal allergies. Mental afflictions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Addictions in a variety of forms-- things like drugs, alcohol, porn, or self harm--for a variety of different reasons. The pressure to look just so, resulting in fad diets, extreme exercise, eating disorders, and hundreds of dollars towards makeup and hair products and clothes and breast implants and hair dyes. Trying to figure out what will make you happy and how to achieve it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
There is just so much to life.
Ha. Right.
Obviously my mission plans have been turned on their head. I'm still going to college, because I know an education is what will get me places in life, but I don't know what to study. At all.
I'm not ready to get married yet, but the whole relationship thing is WAY more complicated than I thought it would be. And so much more incredibly painful. My heart has been so broken that putting it back together would be like doing a jigsaw puzzle. With no corner or edge pieces. And some that are warped by water damage. And some that have been chewed on by a dog. And some that aren't even there anymore, because they got left behind in someone else's puzzle box, because I thought that maybe that's where they belonged.
Its not just my life, either. I look around and my friends and peers, and we're all in a million different places. Some are going to school. Some are getting married. Some are working. Some have a baby. Some are on missions. Some live at home mooching off their parents and doing nothing. Some are traveling the world.
Within all these experiences are another billion pieces of our lives. The very wide emotional range that comes from interacting with other humans. How or if religion fits in your life. Physical ailments that you or those close to you have, ranging from cancer to seasonal allergies. Mental afflictions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Addictions in a variety of forms-- things like drugs, alcohol, porn, or self harm--for a variety of different reasons. The pressure to look just so, resulting in fad diets, extreme exercise, eating disorders, and hundreds of dollars towards makeup and hair products and clothes and breast implants and hair dyes. Trying to figure out what will make you happy and how to achieve it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
There is just so much to life.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Old Words
I came across some old poetry that I wrote a few months ago. There were a few things I wrote that I actually feel rather proud of. I had totally forgotten about this stuff, but everything I felt back then came back to me when I read it. So I've decided to share some if it here.
December 30, 2013
That one I wrote right around the time I started this blog. It doesn't have a title, but it needs one. A lot has changed since then, but its still applicable to me in some ways, and its still true. I'm not sure how much if it will make sense to other people, but for me its full of the intense things that I've felt before. So I'm posting it. Because its my blog. So there.
December 30, 2013
Late at night after the lights are turned down and
The world is silent and it’s just me awake or alive
And there is so much solitude that it can drown you
Finding myself buried deep beneath my own doubts
And fears that I’m not good enough
The black clouds roll in and the demons that
I tried to hide in the day when
The sun shines and the shadows I cast
May be longer than they should be
But one notices anyway, so why would I let them see
What it’s really like in here
In my head where the voices get louder and louder
And my eyes get heavy with the weight of the world and
My hands that I tried to use to catch their pain
But it slipped through my fingers and I only
Got burned with the heat of my own frustration at
Failing to know exactly what to do and to say
But my heart as cold as ice with the emptiness
Of what they feel and I wish I could take it away
Because I know the feeling and I know the monsters
That crawl out of the dark and lonely places
Of the solitary night time.That one I wrote right around the time I started this blog. It doesn't have a title, but it needs one. A lot has changed since then, but its still applicable to me in some ways, and its still true. I'm not sure how much if it will make sense to other people, but for me its full of the intense things that I've felt before. So I'm posting it. Because its my blog. So there.
October 11, 2013
How much has been lost in the name of love?
How many sleepless nights?
How many restless, anxious hours
Wasted and worried away?
How many petals pulled off of flowers
In vain means to discover
Whether he loves me or loves me not?
As if fate written could be so easily read.
How many tears fall from red eyes?
How many scars appear
Both seen and hidden from view?
How many angry feelings?
How many hopeless thoughts?
How many lies taken for truth?
How much denial?
How many unknown battles?
How many unheard cries?
How much love without condition or sense?
They say love is friendship set on fire.
Who can stand that flame?
This one doesn't have a title either, and its older than the first one. Mostly I included it because I think my one follower (who is AWESOME), will appreciate it. I did tweak one line in it from its original version, but other than that, its just as I wrote it last year.
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