Tomorrow I will get dropped off at the MTC and begin my mission. It doesn't seem real at all. I know I can do it, but its the anticipation that is killing me. All the saying goodbye that I have to do is really wearing me down. Last night I said goodbye for the next 18 months to my boyfriend, Nakai. It was probably one of the hardest single things I've ever done. We spent a long time cuddled together crying and anticipating how much we will miss one another.
I was going to make this post about going on a mission and all of the general build-up and anticipation and how much I wish it didn't have to be so hard to leave everything and everyone, but I've changed my mind. This post is for Nakai.
While it is true that when I first met you, I had zero interest in you, I am so glad you changed my mind. If I had known the night that I met you what we would become, there wouldn't have been a doubt in my mind whether or not to stop vegging on the internet and change out of sweatpants. I wouldn't have even started doing that. I would have already been there, waiting for you, if I had known.
I wasn't easy to convince. I was very much into someone else at the time, and spent far too much time telling you about how things were progressing with him. Sorry about that. But you were persistent. You kept coming over to hang out with my roommate and I, and I kept finding myself lost in conversations with you. Looking back on when you told me you had feelings for me and I rejected you, I can't tell you how happy I am that you didn't give up.
I realized that when I was with you, I could be myself more than I could be with almost anyone else. I said exactly what I thought and what I felt, and you took it all in stride and kept wanting to be with me anyway. That is why I fell in love with you, and its why I fall in love with you more every day.
To you, I can admit every fear, every weird question or concern, every random thought. And you still love me. I can be honest, sometimes brutally so, and you still love me. I can be arrogant or naive, and you still love me. I can mess up and cry and get angry, and you still love me. How am I so lucky?
These past months with you have been unbelievably happy for me. Even when things go wrong, you are always there to hold me and make me feel better. While I'm gone on my mission, even though you won't be there physically, I know I can still count on you. Knowing that you love me is enough.
I want you to know how much I love you. I don't think that there are words I could say or write to really convey what I feel about you. I can't even believe how much I feel about you. It fills me to bursting. To love you seems like the best and most natural thing I've every done. I've been honest and told you that I've had doubts before, but now I have none. The next 18 months will be long for both of us. But they will be worth it, and we will be stronger because of it. You are the love of my life, Nakai. I miss you already.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Real
The world is full of cheap imitations of happiness and love. It sells a million different things all dressed up as a "good time." The range of products goes from cologne, fad diets, and clothing, to porn, drugs, and alcohol. Everywhere you turn there is some ad claiming to have the key to your happiness. Take this to be skinny! Wear this to become desired! Buy this to feel good! And we pour or money into so many things in a vain effort to be happy.
This past weekend I was in Las Vegas visiting Nakai and his family. I plotted with his mom and flew down to surprise him. He and his family live outside of of Vegas itself, but while I was visiting, they took me to see the fountains and ride a roller coaster and do some other harmless things on the Strip. Even though we didn't participate in any of the partying or sex culture, it was everywhere. Every other billboard advertised some kind of club with "hot," "sexy," or "nude" show girls and male strippers. The rest of the billboards raved about the hotels and all of the entertainment options they had to offer: liquor, shows, dance clubs, room service for your every beck and call. People walked along the streets dressed in strange outfits or very little outfit at all. Everything was about intensity, the "next big thing," presenting the right appearance, and feeling good.
While I appreciated that Nakai's family was making an effort to make sure I was having an enjoyable time, the Strip made me feel sad about the world. The goings-on there aren't isolated to just the Strip. The filth is everywhere. Society glorifies fake happiness and promotes sexuality in any form above love and loyalty. It's all so selfish and empty. Companies and people sell this empty pleasure so they can make money and search for their own empty pleasure. Everyone is looking for a way to feel happy, but all they get is something fleeting and fake.
Thinking about all of this can make one feel awfully depressed, but that isn't my intention. The point I want to make is that there is real love and there is real happiness in the world. After our time on the Strip, Nakai and I sat together on his couch and talked. I told him about the thoughts I was having about how much real happiness and real love have been leached out of the world. As we talked, I realized that even though the world is rotting inside and out, there is still good to be found. What I have with him is real love, not some cheap imitation. What I have with friends and family are real connections that bring me real happiness.
Even if I had none of those things, I still know that there is true peace to be found. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to real and lasting joy. I believe that and I know it with all of my heart to be true, and that is why I am going to serve a mission starting next month. I want to teach anyone who will listen that they don't have to keep searching for another new way to feel good and that they don't have to buy into emptiness anymore. Nothing else will ever measure up. Nothing that money can buy will ever be as good as something as real as the gospel.
This past weekend I was in Las Vegas visiting Nakai and his family. I plotted with his mom and flew down to surprise him. He and his family live outside of of Vegas itself, but while I was visiting, they took me to see the fountains and ride a roller coaster and do some other harmless things on the Strip. Even though we didn't participate in any of the partying or sex culture, it was everywhere. Every other billboard advertised some kind of club with "hot," "sexy," or "nude" show girls and male strippers. The rest of the billboards raved about the hotels and all of the entertainment options they had to offer: liquor, shows, dance clubs, room service for your every beck and call. People walked along the streets dressed in strange outfits or very little outfit at all. Everything was about intensity, the "next big thing," presenting the right appearance, and feeling good.
While I appreciated that Nakai's family was making an effort to make sure I was having an enjoyable time, the Strip made me feel sad about the world. The goings-on there aren't isolated to just the Strip. The filth is everywhere. Society glorifies fake happiness and promotes sexuality in any form above love and loyalty. It's all so selfish and empty. Companies and people sell this empty pleasure so they can make money and search for their own empty pleasure. Everyone is looking for a way to feel happy, but all they get is something fleeting and fake.
Thinking about all of this can make one feel awfully depressed, but that isn't my intention. The point I want to make is that there is real love and there is real happiness in the world. After our time on the Strip, Nakai and I sat together on his couch and talked. I told him about the thoughts I was having about how much real happiness and real love have been leached out of the world. As we talked, I realized that even though the world is rotting inside and out, there is still good to be found. What I have with him is real love, not some cheap imitation. What I have with friends and family are real connections that bring me real happiness.
Even if I had none of those things, I still know that there is true peace to be found. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to real and lasting joy. I believe that and I know it with all of my heart to be true, and that is why I am going to serve a mission starting next month. I want to teach anyone who will listen that they don't have to keep searching for another new way to feel good and that they don't have to buy into emptiness anymore. Nothing else will ever measure up. Nothing that money can buy will ever be as good as something as real as the gospel.
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