Just the Little Things

      Whilst perusing Facebook, I came across a blog post of a friend of mine. It was essentially just a list of things that she liked. The idea was that she had spent a lot of time thinking about all the things she didn't like, so she wanted to think for a while about what she did. It was almost poetic and the idea of focusing on good things was uplifting. They say that the best form of flattery is imitation, so I wrote this copy-cat post.

 Staying up late or even until the sun comes up while talking to a friend, deep, real belly laughs and hysterical giggles, playing with Legos, telling stories, having deep conversations, making people laugh, ultimate frisbee, wearing fuzzy socks and skating around on the kitchen floor, nerd-talk about Sherlock and Star Wars (and yes, I LOVE Clone Wars), long summer days filled with ice cream and impromptu adventures and sandals and tan lines that turn into warm summer nights spent laying in the grass staring into the star-studded heavens, going to church and reading the Book of Mormon and feeling that I know exactly who I am and that God loves me even when I do stupid things, singing in the shower and to the radio in my car, staying inside on cold afternoons and drinking hot chocolate next to a warm fire in a pile of blankets and pillows, driving fast, analog clocks with Roman numerals, unexpected texts from a friend I haven't talked to in a while, roller coasters, go-carts, staring out at the passing landscape while riding in a car, acknowledging that the best part of tour-bus travel is the company I am in, feeling the thrill of the moment when the plane lifts off of the ground and staring in awe at anything I can see below, hearing someone call my name, smelling the spray of citrus as I peel open an orange and then the sweet and zingy taste of the first bite, talking to my siblings and parents, sitting just close enough to get butterflies, cuddling, kissing until I'm breathless, the smell of fireworks and of barbecue and everything about the 4th of July, the comfort of old stuffed animals, dancing in warm rain, the clap of thunder following a flash of lightning exploding across the sky, and the smell of hot asphalt mixing with the storm, having smooth legs, getting dressed up for special occasions or for no occasion at all, doing my hair and makeup, putting on a pretty dress, jewelry, and high heels, hot showers, playing my trumpet alone or in a band, listening to music for hours on end, getting an A on a test, driving my stick-shift car with the windows rolled down and the wind messing up my hair completely, experiencing the world through smell-- cementing memories or bringing back old ones, popping popcorn and watching a favorite movie or going to the theater to see a new one, posing for pictures, compliments from strangers, wearing my hair down, watching basketball and cheering until I sound like a smoker, playing with my cat and dog, flopping into bed at the end of a long day, chocolate cake, visiting temples, attending BYU, hiking, watching the Olympics, and brushing my teeth,

Its amazing how long this list is. It could keep going if I wanted it to. I spend far too much time complaining and wishing for something better, but there is so much around me that I enjoy and so many things to find beauty in. It doesn't make the hard times go away, but it does give me something to be grateful for. 2nd Nephi 2:25 says, Adam fell that man might be; and men are, that they might have joy. It really is uplifting to notice what brings me joy, even if its just the little things.

Memories in a Car

Fourteen years old, in the driver’s seat for the first time in my life. My white-knuckle fingers grip the wheel as I push in the clutch, turn on the car, and slowly let my foot off the break. The car rolls forward, I scream, and promptly stall the car. My patient father directs me to try again. Twenty minutes later, I’m driving tentatively past empty fields on a nearly deserted road.

Fifteen now. I’m moody, impulsive, and self-centered. I’m about to have my heart broken for the first time, but I don’t know that yet. I'm on vacation at the family cabin. I take a break from moping to practice driving with my dad. The bumpy dirt road terrifies me, but I’m too proud to admit it. I’m not paying enough attention, and have several close calls with trees. Frustrated and angry at myself for messing up and at my dad for being right when he told me to be more careful, I storm away into the trees as soon as we get back.

Another year passes. In the picture on my new license I'm tan and blonde from the summer sun. I look young and care-free because I am. In the next year, everything is going to go just right for me. My dad will get a new car, so his old one-- the Nissan Sentra I started out in two years ago-- will be mine. I’ll have great friends and even a boyfriend. Most of my time will be spend smiling and laughing. I won't be close enough to the pain of life for it to affect me, or to even understand it. Sometimes I still long for those innocent days driving from one happy place to another.

Seventeen and it's senior year. It starts with change and people moving on. I struggle with that, but find enjoyment as a section leader in the marching band. Countless hours are spent parked on the side of the road with one of my trumpet players (not always the same one) in the passenger seat telling me about his life. Almost all of them are fifteen, and just like me at that age. I am the wise older sister figure that they all have a little bit of a crush on, and I love that role.

Marching band ends. Winter begins, and I spiral downward. The only thing colder than the frigid air is my soul. A long relationship runs its course, and even though I know it’s for the best, my heart feels the pain of a ragged hole where love used to be. I drive home from school day after day, sobbing to the radio or to my own silence. I drive in circles past places full of memory or park on the side of the road and wonder how I came to this. I sit behind the wheel of my motionless car, stuck inside of myself. I feel so much emotion some days that I feel ready to explode. Other days I feel so much nothing that even pain is a welcome guest. I have met the darker, sadder side of the human mind; not only in myself, but in the people I love the most. I want so much to take away their pain, but it’s impossible. I come to understand the deep penetration of depression. It’s a despair that doesn't have to have a cause or a reason to persist, but it does, and it tears you apart from the inside. 

When I'm all alone, it is the most present. When I step outside of my car and into the school or my house, I wipe it from my face, but I can see when I look into the mirror that the luster has gone from my eyes. I don't know how or who to ask for help, so I don't. I just turn into a shell of myself and try not to let my inner demons hurt anyone else. I keep them to myself and only let them out when I'm driving all alone. I hardly know who I am anymore.

Another year later my car takes me away from home to a dorm on a college campus. I walk to class every day, but still make excuses to drive. Today, another year later, I'm someone different than anyone I've ever been. I'm not care-free. I'm not empty. I'm not scraping rock-bottom. I have learned so much from a summer that brought me back to life and almost two semesters of college. There are still days or even weeks when the depression and anxiety creep up and swallow me whole, but I've learned how to snuggle with my demons more often than wrestle with them. There has been new love found and lost, new hurt, new struggles, new joy. There are new roads to drive on and a lot of figuring out who I am.

All alone in my car I roll down the windows and let the wind leave me breathless and feeling utterly alive. I sing the words on the radio or the ones in my head, pray earnestly, or just think aloud. Between my starting point and destination, anything can change.

And, as the memories in my car testify, everything does.

I thought about it, and I didn't do it.

I just finished writing a really long and deep post about my car and driving and life in general. It really is a good post. I'll probably put it up someday. (Hopefully in an edited state that is a little shorter than the current draft.) However, because my last post was pretty personal and long, I decided that in lieu of a longer and possibly more personal post, I will share this video. You're welcome in advance.