Biggest Fear

December 10, 2014

     I have a big, deep, consuming fear. Sometimes I manage to talk myself out of it and insist it doesn't bother me, but that's just a lie I tell myself to prove I'm strong. 

     My biggest fear is not spiders or snakes or the dark. It isn't men who might take advantage of innocent girls. It isn't that I won't graduate from college or that I'll run out of money to do so. It isn't that I will be told no a second time in regards to serving a mission. All those things illicit some level of fear in me, but none quite break me like this one does. 

     What I am afraid of most is not being taken seriously. 

     I know it sounds stupid. And I know your going to say, "suck it up, because that's the way the world works." And I know you're right. I face it every day and it hurts me still. I am looked at and degraded to nothing more than a face, or angry eyes, or someone too young to really know much, or as just someone who's only significance is her relationship to someone else. I am stripped of my person-hood over and over and over again. It doesn't matter how much I am intelligent, or a good conversationalist, or nice, or honest, or spiritual, or anything. 

     Recently, when asked to come up with things to describe me, some people close to me could only come up with, "you have a boyfriend." That cut me to the core. What about me? Haven't I been your friend? Can't you see me as anything else? Can't you take me seriously? 

    I know that I make mistakes and that I'm not perfect. Sometimes I need someone to tell me that I'm wrong, even if I argue back. But there is a difference between just calling me out individually, and talking about me behind my back for months before giving me a full blown lecture and making me feel like dirt. I don't need to be judged for my choices, and I don't need anyone to think they know what I should be doing with my life better than I do, because they don't walk in my shoes. I try so hard to tell myself that I don't care what other people think about me and what they are saying to each other about me, but that is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. And that's because of my fear. 

     If people are judging me behind my back or even to my face, they're not taking me seriously, and I feel like little more than an empty shell of a human, devoid of anything worth contributing. 

     I am so utterly terrified of being seen as stupid or incompetent or worthless. So scared that any contribution I make will be ignored and set aside. I am so worried that I won't ever be taken seriously, and that I will never be seen for who I really am and what I can really give. 

     When people look at me, I want them to see an individual with a personality and quirks and things to contribute. I don't need people to think I'm perfect, because no one is. But even imperfect people have things to offer. Even imperfect people are people. Even I can be taken seriously.