Tomorrow I will get dropped off at the MTC and begin my mission. It doesn't seem real at all. I know I can do it, but its the anticipation that is killing me. All the saying goodbye that I have to do is really wearing me down. Last night I said goodbye for the next 18 months to my boyfriend, Nakai. It was probably one of the hardest single things I've ever done. We spent a long time cuddled together crying and anticipating how much we will miss one another.
I was going to make this post about going on a mission and all of the general build-up and anticipation and how much I wish it didn't have to be so hard to leave everything and everyone, but I've changed my mind. This post is for Nakai.
While it is true that when I first met you, I had zero interest in you, I am so glad you changed my mind. If I had known the night that I met you what we would become, there wouldn't have been a doubt in my mind whether or not to stop vegging on the internet and change out of sweatpants. I wouldn't have even started doing that. I would have already been there, waiting for you, if I had known.
I wasn't easy to convince. I was very much into someone else at the time, and spent far too much time telling you about how things were progressing with him. Sorry about that. But you were persistent. You kept coming over to hang out with my roommate and I, and I kept finding myself lost in conversations with you. Looking back on when you told me you had feelings for me and I rejected you, I can't tell you how happy I am that you didn't give up.
I realized that when I was with you, I could be myself more than I could be with almost anyone else. I said exactly what I thought and what I felt, and you took it all in stride and kept wanting to be with me anyway. That is why I fell in love with you, and its why I fall in love with you more every day.
To you, I can admit every fear, every weird question or concern, every random thought. And you still love me. I can be honest, sometimes brutally so, and you still love me. I can be arrogant or naive, and you still love me. I can mess up and cry and get angry, and you still love me. How am I so lucky?
These past months with you have been unbelievably happy for me. Even when things go wrong, you are always there to hold me and make me feel better. While I'm gone on my mission, even though you won't be there physically, I know I can still count on you. Knowing that you love me is enough.
I want you to know how much I love you. I don't think that there are words I could say or write to really convey what I feel about you. I can't even believe how much I feel about you. It fills me to bursting. To love you seems like the best and most natural thing I've every done. I've been honest and told you that I've had doubts before, but now I have none. The next 18 months will be long for both of us. But they will be worth it, and we will be stronger because of it. You are the love of my life, Nakai. I miss you already.
