The Tragedy of the Trapped

     I would like to express my sadness over the passing of Robbin Williams. He was a great man and will be missed. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family and friends. I feel a bit disrespectful using Robbin Williams' recent passing as a sort of segue into my post today, but I feel as though I should say a few things regarding the topic of suicide. 

     Let me begin by emphasizing that suicide is a terribly tragic thing. It should never ever be romanticized or glorified and anything that can be done to prevent it should be done. 

     There seems to be this idea that suicide equals selfishness and giving up. That it means someone decided that just because life got hard, they were done. This is not true at all. While suicide is a choice, it is not made just because someone is too lazy to fight their problems. 

     Imagine you are extremely claustrophobic, and you are in a small room with no windows or doors. As time goes on, the walls start getting closer together, and the ceiling starts moving closer to your head and to the floor. At first you were able to stand up, but eventually you have to crouch, and then kneel, and finally you are forced to ball yourself up into the fetal position. This would be scary for anyone, but someone who is claustrophobic would be panicking before they even had to crouch. This person would be desperate to escape, and by the time they were forced to curl up, they would be willing to use any means necessary to get out. 

     This is what depression feels like. The best word I have ever heard used to describe depression is "trapped." That's exactly what it is. You are trapped in your own head with your own thoughts and with oceans of despair that you struggle to swim through. Suicide is not what happens when you get tired of swimming, or tired of treading water, or even tired of floating on your back. It is what happens when you have reached a point that you literally cannot see a way to keep swimming. The only possible solution for escape that a person who has reached this low point can see is to drown. (I would like to note that different people experience depression and other struggles in different ways. Not everyone becomes suicidal, like not everyone inflicts self harm, or stops going to work or school, or gets angry at God, or stops eating, etc. Point being, even if you have faced serious struggles and have not felt like ending your life is the only option, that doesn't mean others have not felt that way.)

     What makes suicide so tragic is that the person who committed or attempted it had completely lost hope, and not because they weren't trying to find it. To them, all they were able to see was a life of never-ending despair. A person dealing with this is not someone who should be blamed for being selfish or weak or unwilling. This is a person who desperately needs love and help. 

     This being said, even a suicidal person who has dealt with depression or some other struggle that leaches them of all hope and purpose and who can see no light at the end of the tunnel retains enough will power to ask for help. I asked for help when I started to feel like I hurt so much that living was a burden, and it has made all the difference. However, asking for help was very very hard for me to do. Being the oldest kid in my family, I feel like I have to be this perfect golden child. To admit that I was not okay was not easy. I fought the tears and tried to appear strong even as I told my mom how much I was struggling. As hard as that was, it was worth it. 

     Unfortunately, not everyone seeks help. Perhaps they don't know who to ask or how. I don't pretend to know all of the reasons why people don't ask, but judging them for that is not my place. This is the point I most want to emphasize: It is not our place to judge someone, especially for things we know nothing about. It isn't anyone's place other than God's. Our job is to love sincerely, be sensitive, provide support, and always be kind. 

     If you or someone you know has had suicidal thoughts, or has even just mentioned it in passing (ALWAYS take that seriously, by the way), please take advantage of these resources. Even if you don't think you will need them, I encourage you to put the numbers in your phone anyway and keep these resources close. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: In the U.S., call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line: text "listen" to 741-741. They invite you to "text us about anything that's on your mind." They also offer additional resources on this page. These resources include numbers to call and text for help regarding anything from depression and suicide to eating disorders to human trafficking to abuse.

Friends. Family. Teachers. Leaders. Bishops. Ministers. Rabbis. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Even if one of the people you talk to doesn't take you seriously, understand it is their ignorance and not your failure. Try someone else, because you deserve better.

Pray. God will help you. He may give you the courage to ask for help, or direct someone to you who will listen, or provide some opportunity for you to find your way out. It hardly ever happens that He takes away your pain completely, because our trials are for us to learn and become like Him. But I promise God loves you, and if you let Him, he will guide you to and through help and healing. 

For answers to frequently asked questions about suicide and depression, visit this page on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. 

Start to a New Life

     My bedroom is currently a disaster zone. Why? Because I'm moving out and returning to Provo and BYU. Today. So, of course, instead of packing and cleaning and doing ALL THE THINGS, I'm bumming around on the internet and blogging. Because that makes sense. 

     I don't do well with transitions. Facing change feels like jumping into a black hole for me. Even if the change is exciting, I really struggle to handle it. At transition times, my depression hurts me the most. Thanks to modern medicine, I'm doing alright currently. However, it feels like I'm walking across a glass floor and I can see the dark churning waves of depression and anxiety right below my feet, and I'm afraid the glass could shatter at any moment and I'll fall in. Its rather terrifying. 

     Change is inevitable. Its a part of life. No matter how much we want to stay where we are and where its comfortable, we can't. We have to grow up and take on all the challenges that come with it. Maybe that's the hardest thing--that we have no control. Yes, we can choose some things, like what we will do in the next stage of life, but we can never choose to stay behind in the old stage. Part of me wishes I could remain a kid or a teenager forever and live comfortably in my parents' house. Its a great place. I don't have to worry about money and I have 5 other people here and two pets that love me. Its a lot less scary here than in the real world. 

     I feel like I've lived many different lives. A life as a very small child. A few lives during elementary school. A life in junior high. Two or three in high school. And at least three since then. Sometimes these new lives start all at once, and sometimes so slowly that I wake up one day and realize that I'm not the same, and my life isn't the same, but don't know how it happened. 

     Today is a scary start to a new life--the kind of start where I just have to jump in, like jumping off a cliff, and hope that I land on my feet. I can't just say, "this jump is too scary. I think I'll just stay here." I'm being pushed by a wall of my parent's expectations and my own desire to succeed. Its good to be pushed a little, though. 

     This post really doesn't have a conclusion or a life lesson. Basically, I'm stressed and scared, and writing is therapeutic for me. And I've just got to suck it up and jump. 

     Wish me luck. 
    

"Can I Put On Some Real Clothes, Now?"

     This music video just about made my whole life. And I usually don't even like country music. It really applies to all genres of music, not just country, though. I am so sick of women being portrayed as ornaments and sex toys for men in music; both in the lyrics and the accompanying music videos. Women are people, not accessories.
     As well as making a great point, this video is totally hilarious, too. :)

Hurt

Hurt happens when things fall out of control 

Too fast and too far to catch 

Not that it stops me from reaching

I always reach. 

Even when I'm grasping at straws

Defining Feminism

         There seem to be a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be a feminist. Some people think it means we hate all men, or are making up excuses to wear skimpy clothing, or that we are entitled whiners. There has been some disturbing buzz lately about "anti-feminism." I think these so-called "anti-feminists" are actually "anti-feminazis." What they don't understand is that feminism means something different to all of us, and all that they see are the extremists (who are loud, but few) I think if I were to sit down and talk to any of these anti-feminists, we would find that we agree on a lot of things, but only call it something different. Truthfully, being a feminist means something different to every person who is a feminist. For technicality’s sake, I have provided a definition of feminism from merriam-webster.com. This is about as official as it gets.  

     fem·i·nism noun \ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\

: the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities 

: organized activity in support of women's rights and interests

To me, being a feminist means that I, and every other women, should be treated with respect and dignity, and should be given the same rights and opportunities as men. It means women are human beings, and that is how we should be treated. According to that definition, this is why I am a feminist:  

1. I am not my appearance

In society, women are constantly told that we have to look a certain way. Our makeup must cover up any scars or freckles or spots. Our hair must be straightened or curled or bobby-pinned into perfection. Our waists must be thin, our boobs must be big, our hips must be just curvy enough to make us hour-glass shaped, but no more. Our clothing must be revealing to prove our confidence or to get attention. Et cetera, et cetera. The media teaches me to micromanage every visible aspect of my body, as if its only function is to be looked at and judged based on what it looks like. As if I am a hollow shell without a personality or a brain or talent or quirky characteristics.

There is nothing wrong with wearing makeup, or doing your hair nicely, or carefully picking an outfit. Those things can even be fun and fulfilling. The danger is when you let these things define you, or when you care so much about them that more important things fall by the wayside. Likewise, the purpose of diet and exercise should be our health, not our figure. People come in a shapes and sizes, and that is OKAY.

Colbie Caillat's song, Try is absolutely amazing, and goes right along with what I'm saying.

2. I am not an object

     Have you ever noticed that in movies, television, books, magazines, and other media, being surrounded by beautiful (often scantily clad) women is a sign of success for a man? You never see a successful woman surrounded by sexy looking men. (In fact, a picture like that would bring to mind the word “slutty,” not “successful.” Do you see how ridiculous this is?!) How did women (aka human beings) become ornaments for men? 

    Again and again in the media, women are used to sell things. How many commercials have you seen where a woman is eating a cheeseburger or drinking a beer? She isn't there because she is a charismatic and persuasive salesperson. She has been objectified and cast as the part of a sex toy useful only to sell a product. 

Pornography is a pervading issue in our culture. Whether the pictures are of women, men, or children, they all degrade individuals to something less than human. People are seen as objects and images meant only to create a certain response in the viewers. That response has nothing to do with that “object” being a human with a personality.

I am not a thing to be ogled, regardless of what I wear. I personally believe in dressing modestly. I do it because of religious reasons. My body is a gift from God and I should guard it and treat it respectfully. I DO NOT do it so men can keep their thoughts pure. Whatever I wear, or whatever any woman wears, has no bearing on what goes on in a man’s head. He has his agency, and he can decide what thoughts to entertain. This does not mean I think it is okay to flaunt your cleavage in a guy’s (or anyone's) face if you know it will make him uncomfortable. He deserves respect, too.

3. No means no 

Rape and sexual assault are very serious problems. To be clear, I understand that these things are not something that only women deal with. However, it is a more prevalent issue for us. I fear for my safety every time I have to run to my car or walk home in the dark. I took a self defense class in college last semester. Most of my friends and family thought it was a smart move. A few of my male friends thought I was paranoid. This isn’t because they are bad guys. It’s just because they have the luxury of not knowing the fear I feel, because they have never felt it.  

One of the saddest things about rape and sexual assault is that women are afraid to report it, and when they do, they run the risk of unfair judgment. People will ask what she was wearing, or if she was flirting with him, and draw the conclusion that she asked for it. They will say that even if the rapist shouldn’t have done what he did, it was her fault. Hurting another person, especially in such an intimate way, is NEVER okay. If the woman said, “No,” or was unable to give consent, nothing else matters. She was raped, and it was the rapist’s choice, not hers.

4. I can be just as successful as a man

Women have been fighting for decades to break through the glass ceiling, and we have nearly made it. We have made huge leaps and bounds in the working world. I could choose to be a doctor or an engineer or a social worker, or whatever I want and work for. However, there are still a ton of prejudices against women. In politics, in sports, and in the workplace, women are constantly thought of as less competent than men, and their looks are brought up again and again as a measure of worth. This video is a great demonstration of the double standard that women face.

I'm not trying to say that we should erase all differences between men and women. Those differences are great things and should be celebrated. What I am saying is that different does not mean better or worse. Its just different. 

Women are often judged based on if they work or are a stay-at-home mom. Whether a woman chooses to have a career, a family, or both is her prerogative and her reasons are her business. She can be a powerful person in whichever case. 

Because I’m Mormon, and it has been a big deal lately, I feel like I should briefly address the women and priesthood thing: I think it’s a total non-issue. Or, rather, that the issue is people letting their pride get in the way of their faith and ability to understand. If you really want my whole spiel about it, talk to me personally. I just don’t think it’s even worth addressing here.
I would also like to point out that while in the United States, women largely have just as many rights and opportunities as men do, there are other places where that is not the case. For many women around the world, their rights extend about as far as do those of an animal. Feminism isn't just a movement for first world countries. It is a humanist movement meant to bring to light and improve the situations of oppressed women around the world. 

5.     I like being a woman

 If you have never seen this video, you need to. I love doing things #LikeAGirl. Because I AM a girl and there is nothing wrong with that. Why is being a sissy something bad and being a man something good? Nothing is wrong with being a girl, so why are words used to describe women also used as insults? 

6.     I am human

I sincerely apologize for the language in this cartoon, but it does explain feminism very well.  

            I refuse to be a victim. I am a strong adult human being who is proud to be a woman. Everyone- no matter who they are, where they come from, how they live, how old they are, or if they have even been born yet- should have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. I believe that we should show Christ-like love to all of our brothers and sisters. I believe in respect and love for others, and not judgement and hatred. THAT is why I am a feminist. 

The Significance of Today

     120 days ago I submitted my mission papers. I was nervous and excited about getting a call and serving a mission for 18 months. I hoped I would get sent someplace warm and that I would get to speak Spanish. Of course, life happens and plans don't always go the way you hoped they would.
     The significance of today is that it was my availability date. On my mission papers, I said that I would be available for missionary service on June 25, 2014. I felt so good about that particular date that I was convinced I would be entering the MTC today. When I put that date down, it seemed so far away, but here it is.
     I know that what has happened to keep me home a little longer has been a blessing. Being here still was absolutely not my plan at all, but clearly it was God's plan. He has blessed me by showing me why His plan is better. I'm grateful for this particular trial, because I can see how it is helping me grow. I will be a better person and a better missionary because of these 6 months that I have to wait and because of the reason why.
     Still. Getting to today is a little surreal. What could have been one of the biggest days of my life is just an ordinary day.

A Billion Pieces of Life

     Growing up just isn't what its cracked up to be. And life has a way of doing things that are not what you expected or planned on at all. I always thought that my life would follow a pretty straightforward pattern. Graduate high school. Start college. Go on a mission. Finish college. Get married at some point in this process. Get a job. Have kids. Get old. I also figured that by the time I was old enough to be in college, I would know what it was that I wanted in life.
     Ha. Right.
     Obviously my mission plans have been turned on their head. I'm still going to college, because I know an education is what will get me places in life, but I don't know what to study. At all.
     I'm not ready to get married yet, but the whole relationship thing is WAY more complicated than I thought it would be. And so much more incredibly painful. My heart has been so broken that putting it back together would be like doing a jigsaw puzzle. With no corner or edge pieces. And some that are warped by water damage. And some that have been chewed on by a dog. And some that aren't even there anymore, because they got left behind in someone else's puzzle box, because I thought that maybe that's where they belonged.
     Its not just my life, either. I look around and my friends and peers, and we're all in a million different places. Some are going to school. Some are getting married. Some are working. Some have a baby. Some are on missions. Some live at home mooching off their parents and doing nothing. Some are traveling the world.
     Within all these experiences are another billion pieces of our lives. The very wide emotional range that comes from interacting with other humans. How or if religion fits in your life. Physical ailments that you or those close to you have, ranging from cancer to seasonal allergies. Mental afflictions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Addictions in a variety of forms-- things like drugs, alcohol, porn, or self harm--for a variety of different reasons. The pressure to look just so, resulting in fad diets, extreme exercise, eating disorders, and hundreds of dollars towards makeup and hair products and clothes and breast implants and hair dyes. Trying to figure out what will make you happy and how to achieve it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

     There is just so much to life.