Start to a New Life

     My bedroom is currently a disaster zone. Why? Because I'm moving out and returning to Provo and BYU. Today. So, of course, instead of packing and cleaning and doing ALL THE THINGS, I'm bumming around on the internet and blogging. Because that makes sense. 

     I don't do well with transitions. Facing change feels like jumping into a black hole for me. Even if the change is exciting, I really struggle to handle it. At transition times, my depression hurts me the most. Thanks to modern medicine, I'm doing alright currently. However, it feels like I'm walking across a glass floor and I can see the dark churning waves of depression and anxiety right below my feet, and I'm afraid the glass could shatter at any moment and I'll fall in. Its rather terrifying. 

     Change is inevitable. Its a part of life. No matter how much we want to stay where we are and where its comfortable, we can't. We have to grow up and take on all the challenges that come with it. Maybe that's the hardest thing--that we have no control. Yes, we can choose some things, like what we will do in the next stage of life, but we can never choose to stay behind in the old stage. Part of me wishes I could remain a kid or a teenager forever and live comfortably in my parents' house. Its a great place. I don't have to worry about money and I have 5 other people here and two pets that love me. Its a lot less scary here than in the real world. 

     I feel like I've lived many different lives. A life as a very small child. A few lives during elementary school. A life in junior high. Two or three in high school. And at least three since then. Sometimes these new lives start all at once, and sometimes so slowly that I wake up one day and realize that I'm not the same, and my life isn't the same, but don't know how it happened. 

     Today is a scary start to a new life--the kind of start where I just have to jump in, like jumping off a cliff, and hope that I land on my feet. I can't just say, "this jump is too scary. I think I'll just stay here." I'm being pushed by a wall of my parent's expectations and my own desire to succeed. Its good to be pushed a little, though. 

     This post really doesn't have a conclusion or a life lesson. Basically, I'm stressed and scared, and writing is therapeutic for me. And I've just got to suck it up and jump. 

     Wish me luck.